Goodbye from mumblingsontheverge

Hello
First of all I would like to say thankyou to everybody that has taken the time to read, share and comment on my blog , its all been appreciated , as have the huge amounts of support I’ve recieved through this blog but it feels like its time to bring this blog to a natural end .
I started this blog around the same time as life got very difficult, mostly with Ollies schooling, and its fair to say that my posts have been largely glum.
I feel like now that Im getting fantastic support from parent partnership and things seem to be moving forward in a positive way I want to leave that time behind me . Of course that will never really be entirely possible, but I want to move on and start embracing positivity more .

Also i feel I kind of lost my way here on this blog, I didn’t know what I wanted it to be anymore, I tried stuff and often it just wasn’t right.

Another thing was that I signed this blog up to one of those ranking things, I got a little hung up on my rankings, they went up and down, I felt a bit like my blog wasn’t good enough but the whole point of my blog was always that it was just me, writing stuff, and hoping somebody may connect or relate, I don’t want to be ranked, the most important thing about my blog is that its true to me, who I am and that I’m happy with it.

Don’t get me wrong, I love this blog and I’m proud of it, its just time to put it away and keep it as a memory.

you cant get rid of me that easily though
Im starting a shiny brand new fresh blog, I want it to be a much more positive place, of course autism will forever be a part of it but In a more positive way *i cant guarantee a 100% happyfest though.

Its just time to close the old book and open a brand new one with clean pages…..see what I fill them with.

Thankyou again for reading and sticking with me, its been real *taps heart*

You can find my new blog at https://lifeonplanett.wordpress.com I hope you will pop over and take a look.

All thats left to say on mumblingsontheverge is goodbye, Au Revoir, bon voyage xxx

Autism a punishment?

Yesterday I read that Toni Braxton has said she fears that her sons autism is a payback from God because she once had an abortion.So Autism is a punishment?

I’m offended! In fact I find this offensive on many levels .

How can anybody say this publicly when its possible her son will one day read this, perhaps he already knows how she feels. That his autism is a punishment.

Is an autistic child a punishment? My two Autistic sons certainly aren’t. They are no less of a gift than my neurotypical children. All children are a gift whether they have Autism or not. I’m sure that many parents of Autistic children have felt guilt at some point, did they do something to harm their baby during pregnancy or during childhood, its only natural to have such worries but I know I’ve never looked at my children and wondered if I’ve been punished for a choice I made in the past. Should every parent of a child with special needs or an illness feel guilty, should they all feel they are being punished by God?

Should  a woman having an abortion fear that one day she may be punished with an autistic child? Should a woman who has had an abortion and gone on to have an autistic child feel guilty that its her fault? I imagine that for most women abortion carries enough guilt without this.

I am not religious and accept that people have different beliefs but to say something like this publicly is unacceptable in my opinion.

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Not going out.

If you follow me on twitter you will know that bedtime is when Ollie gets curious and has a thousand questions every night.

Tonight Ive got him in my bed because at first he told me he was sad and lonely and I was mean for not letting him into mine , then he told me he felt like he was on a lonely island in his bed. Obviously I gave in, that’s not a nice thing to hear. But then instead of his usual questions he wanted to talk about why I keep trying to make him come out of the house.

I had told him I’d like to get out at least
twice this coming week, he cant see why because he went out twice last week.

I realise I’ve told Ollie far too many times that I will never make him do anything that is too hard for him , he uses this against me now.

Its so hard to make him understand.

contrary to what he believes I do understand and care that he really doesn’t like going out. But I also understand that he needs to get himself out there a bit.

My 18 yo with autism (among other things) has barely left the house for 4 years and even then only with massive amounts of support. He wants to go out , he just cant .

He was only diagnosed a few months ago ,I was mostly told he was behaving badly for 9 years so I didn’t know how to help him,encourage him , get him out ,I feel like I failed him ,So now I work hard to get him out. We aren’t really there yet but once in a while we manage.

I cant let Ollie be the same.As I always tell him I don’t want his autism to stop him doing things he WANTS to do , and what if later on in his life he wants to go out and see things, do things ?

I want him to know that even though he will probably always find these things hard he is at least equipped with the tools to manage if he chooses too.

Also I need to know that he can cope with , for example going to the corner shop, just in case he needs something one day and I’m not there.

I know he sees the world differently to me and being indoors is his happy place.  But life happens outside , in the sunshine , the rain, the snow, on walks through the common and strolls through the cemetery, it happens having lunch in Asda and buying football stickers and life happens in so many other amazing ways and places.

I want him to know that he is equipped to go out and see life , as much or as little as he wants to if and when he wants to.

I don’t believe I’d be a very good mother if I didn’t encourage him to leave the house but in his eyes in mean for asking him to.

We’ve had tears and shouting tonight and he fell asleep still cross with me.
Its not an easy thing to make a ten year old understand , I just want his life to be everything he ever wants it to be WordPress for Phone http://goo.gl/j6Fzhf

My sunday photo

Linking up with @OneDad3Girls at http://www.onedad3girls.com With my sunday photo

Show us your blog : linky

show us your blog !

Hello, this weeks linky is open, very a little late , but better late than never 😊.

Its a very easy linky to join there are no rules because I’m not the boss of the internet , if you have a blog, large, small , new, well established, if you are a regular blogger or just an occasional one ….you are all welcome .

You may link up your whole blog or a particular post .

It will be open till tuesday evening so there is plenty of time to perhaps look and ( if you’d like to…comment on a couple others that have linked up )

Im a big believer in sharing blog love 💜 there is room for all of us and I believe my linky is a good way for ( especially new bloggers ) folk to find new readers and also come across blogs they otherwise may not have found .

I wont lie its proving hard to get my linky off the ground but im not giving up on it because I still think its a good idea , why not show my linky some love and join up or i shall stamp my feet and be very cross

The link is just below ….I look forward to you showing us your blogs , thanks for reading , G, xx

Spiralling …..

round and round it goes, where it stops nobody knows

This is how life feels right now , its just a continuous series of events that Happen to me and spiral out of control .leaving me feeling overwhelmed, lost and a little blue .

I have no clue if / when Ollie will get a school place, if he will cope with a school place, or if I even want him to have a school place
I have no idea if J will ever get the support I’ve fought for for 9 years , for both of them the future is an unknown.
My health is just a big pile of pants .
I struggle to afford to feed these gannets children of mine who wont stop growing and also don’t stop eating .
I cant remember the last time I went out without one or more offspring in tow.
Im starting to feel like I’m just mum like that’s all there is to me .

I know I need help to get the right support for the boys, but the help I’ve got right now isn’t help atall , I struggle to reach out and find that help , I don’t even know how or where to reach out to .

I stood in town on friday night waiting to collect the girls after they had been on a church trip they were late so I stood on the high st for nearly 30 minutes watching people out for the evening, no kids, going out for a drink or food , chatting and laughing and I was jealous .

My children are the single most important thing in my life, I live and breathe for them, would give my life for them but sometimes, just sometimes I want to be just me before I don’t even know who me is anymore .

This week I had a couple of really lovely moments , where I genuinely felt happy and relaxed , my lunch date and long walk with Ollie,and a lovely dog walk in the evening with 12yo, and although they were both warm happy moments they made me sad to realise how little I feel I can be happy and free .

My anxiety just wont leave me alone .
We had mice (4) nine months ago which completely terrified me , there hasnt been a single one since , not a sign and we have a cat now, but still I’m afraid to go in the kitchen alone after dark or first thing in the morning , I actually have to get one of the kids out of bed to come with me its ridiculous .

I have endless meetings with the support workers who are supposedly helping me , I sit there bubbling over with frustration because there are things I want to say , issues I want to address i want to tell them to fuck off but I don’t know how because they don’t listen so still the meetings keep happening to me

Im 39 , alone with 7 kids , two “disabled” I have to make every decision myself ! Have full responsibility and you know what its fucking hard.

My kids are growing up fast , I want to enjoy them , enjoy life before im too old and crumbly but this never ending catalogue of events beyond my control keeps happening .

I need to push through these things that are getting in the way of life

if you cant get around it you need to go through it

But thats scary , I don’t know where or how to start .

On monday Im going to be brave and tell my support worker that i feel they should be finding support for my boys (a school place for Ollie) before pushing me ( a carer to both my boys) to job club and causing me more stress and pressure , but the very idea of speaking up makes me do a little sick in my mouth .

What do I do?
How do I get some control back?
how do I do brave when I don’t feel brave?
When is it my turn to be happy ?

Forty is coming at me ….fast

I turn 40 this year , on christmas day infact so right away this a stumbling point, obviously I want christmas day to be all about me i want to share the day with my family …it is christmas after all . What will happen is i will run about like a headless chicken making christmas day go well and then just before bedtime I will get time for some cheese and a glass of cider , I’ve toyed with the idea of an early birthday but its hard to organise because nobody wanted to come, not even twitter folk * insert crying sound here* folk are too busy or too far , so at the very least I need to make my last few months of 39 count and I’d quite like my 40th year to be a bit special as they say forty is old life begins at 40 , I missed out on fun when I was young because by 16 I worked full time by 18 I was working, married and heavily pregnant , not that I have any regrets , I love this slightly dysfunctional lovely brood I’ve raised but I want to have some fun, do something different, make 40 my year.
The problem is I have no idea what this fun I speak of is ,
~ fun ….but not outrageous….or expensive…or brave , I wont be bungee jumping or canoeing I’m not that stupid brave .~ a challenge? But I wont be climbing ben nevis , ~learn something ? But what

So whats left , for my sounding lamer by the minute life begins at forty list, anything ?
Please please hit me with ideas . My birthday is for life not just for christmas

A lovely afternoon.

Ollie was given a £2 coin by my mum, I suggested to him that it would be a good idea to buy some world cup stickers for his album in Asda as it would be a perfect opportunity to get him out of the house.

I told him that if Asda wasn’t busy we might have lunch in the cafe, we set off at lunchtime today. I was planning to go by bus but we had just missed one so I asked Ollie if we could cut through the common to another bus stop where we had a choice of bus. The sun was shining so we dawdled a bit.

Asda was very quiet when we got there so we bought the stickers and went to the cafe, we hadn’t eaten there before and Ollie is very fussy about eating out except of course for McDonalds. He chose sausage chips and beans and I chose a mozerella, pesto and basil focaccia. We also bought a biscuit each for pudding. My food was absolutely delicious and Ollie ate all of his sausage and beans and most of his chips.

When we got to the bus stop Ollie asked me to text and find out when the bus was due. There were five minutes to wait, Ollie said we may as well walk home, I wasn’t sure because its a half hour walk but he was determined. Luckily its a nice walk, we cut through the cemetery as the road was noisy and Ollie wanted to look at all the grave stones and flowers, we walked through the garden of rememberance and looked at the names on the plaques and the rose bushes. After the cemetery Ollie obviously had a million questions about dying, being buried, cremation, I told him the story of when he was 3 he kept asking me and my mum to take him to see the cemetery but when we did he was very annoyed that he didn’t see any dead people. Every now and then he says something that just blows me away, after talking about being buried etc he said he wants to give his body to scientists when he dies so they can study his autistic brain.

We walked through the common again and saw loads of butterflies and bees, when we crossed the road (which was very quiet) Ollie told me off and gave me a lecture about how if any children had been watching I would be setting a bad example, so I wont be doing that again.

A quick trip to Asda to buy some stickers turned into a wonderful afternoon of nice food, walking in the sunshine and lots and lots of chatting.

The boy did good!

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To do lists are the way to do it.

Although im organised at home,very good at getting people out on time, having dinner ready when the kids get home, getting the ironing done, when it comes to getting important stuff done I’m not so good.

When I have alot to do, making phone calls, appointments, dealing with forms etc I end up feeling swamped and not knowing where to begin, which inevitably leads to nothing getting done.

I had seen alot on twitter about bullet journals, apparently the new big thing in organization but apart from a quick glance at the hash tag I really didn’t have the time or inclination to read up on it.

I was in Asda a few days ago with the daughter buying black biros for her exams (something I had forgotten to do so it was a last minute trip) and saw notebooks, now I love a notebook and I’m always up for an excuse to buy one so I grabbed one and decided this is it, this notebook is the key to a new organised me .

I started yesterday morning with a half hearted attempt, I used a page to write all the days in may and wrote in the dates I already know i have to remember and then wrote yesterdays date at the top of the page followed by a to do list. I didn’t do any of the things on the list so I felt a little like I had already failed. Determined I woke up today and did the same again.

I sat down with a cup of tea and started getting things ticked off, before I knew it I had made 3 doctors appointments, called Ollies sen caseworker, texted my landlord, filled in a form, and popped out to hand in the form and collect another form I need to fill in, which will go on tomorrows to do list.

Ive bought some funky paper clips and some washi tape to personalise my notebook a bit, I’m sure a plain book would suffice but by making it pretty and personalising it in more likely to keep it up.

Ive got a few more things on todays to do list and then I can relax knowing I’ve achieved something today.

I gave myself small goals and I accomplished them, I’m on the way to being a new organised me, and I like it.

My note book will go where I go so its always there if I think of something I need to jot down before I forget (once I’ve thought of something there’s only a matter of seconds before the thought has left my head just as quickly as it came, and you never know I just might get round to buying the new toilet seat that I’ve been trying to remember since february.

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Sometimes ordinary days are the best.

Ollie and I had a little day out today. Nothing special really, but I try to get him out into town once a week.Usually we just pop down the road on a bus to our nearest McDonalds but my mum and I decided to take him to the McDonalds near to her, last time we went it turned out to be closed for refurbishment and the trip turned into a disaster which you can read hereso Ollie was interested to see how it had changed.

We were incredibly lucky, as soon as we got on the bus to my mums the heavens opened it was absolutely pouring down, twenty minutes later just as we got to our bus stop the rain stopped.

We walked along the river to McDonalds, it was raining very lightly so we took umbrellas from mums house with us, the walk is always nice as there’s always something different to see on the river .

McDonalds had gone all fancy shmancy, some of the tables have tablets on them (of the computer kind) and it has fancy self service things to order your food yourself, then you get a ticket and collect your order just like in Argos.

Ollie likes big macs, he only recently moved on from happy meals so the first time he managed a big mac he was delighted, this time he asked if he could have two because one still leaves him hungry. As both me and mum love to see him eat in McDonalds (I know I know McDonalds is bad ,where do I join up for the bad mums club? But when you have a really fussy autistic eater who is always scared of a hair being in his food ,except at McDonalds I think its acceptable) we obliged. He almost managed them both. He was very proud but decided that next time he should have a big mac and a burger. We sat and watched the rain through the McDonalds windows because there was another huge downpour, and who doesn’t love to watch splishy splashy rain. We were going to go straight home from mcdonlds thinking that was probably enough of being out for Ollie, but he said come on then back to grannys for a tea. The three of us were talking and laughing so much which was unusual with Ollie that we walked the wrong way a little.

We had a cuppa at my mums, and she told me she had bought me a reading lamp as I’m always complaining of mine being brighter than the surface of the sun and she totally dissapproves of me reading by candlelight. She opened the cupboard to show us “the lamp” .

Well me and Ollie were in fits of laughter ,this is my lamp (olbas oil for scale) the pic is actually at the bottom of the post ,wordpress on my phone is pants I do in fact love my lamp. Its perfect for if Ollie just needs a light to do his albas oil ritual and it attatches to a book.

Just before we left mums her lovely neighboor knocked to see if we wanted a pineapple ,we’ve never had a whole one so Ollie was chuffed, then the neighbour asked Ollie if he had seen the hobbit and popped to his flat to get the dvd for us to take home.

We left very happy.

Then we hit a little meltdown. Now,there are two bus stops close to mums ,when I am alone with the kids I go to the one I feel is safer to get across the road to ,with mum we go to the other because she’s good at and safe crossing the road. We chose that one today and Ollie wasn’t happy when he saw we were walking to it. He had a shout because there is a “stupid fence”to walk past, and that way “smells” and the road is “busy” he stormed to the bus stop and sat in a huff on the bus. My mum was only on the bus for a couple of stops to buy some fruit. Before she got off he said he had forgiven her for the wrong bus stop “if she wanted him to”

For the rest of the bus ride he was a bit tense but we chatted which never normally happens.

So although it was a nothing special day out it was lovely Ollie coped in McDonalds and on two busy bus rides. Even got over a meltdown quickly, and I’m so happy that I had a lovely day with two of my favourite people.

We’ve asked Ollie to think of some more places we can try going to with him. I need to put my thinking cap on.

You never know what you will get when you take Ollie out ,sometimes it dreadful but sometimes like today its just wonderful.

thankyou for reading and I hope you had a good day.

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