Monthly Archives: January 2014

I see you there ! ( anxiety)


I thought you were gone
But I see you there
Lulled me Into an almost peace
Now you’re back
You creep into my mind
And see the thoughts
I try so hard to contain
You take a hold
And blow them up
Until they’re all too big again.
You take my fears and worries
You distort them
Like it’s a game
I try my best to keep you out
But here you are again.
You may be back , but
You will not pull me under
Not this time.
I am stronger.
You’re not welcome any more.
In time I will be brave enough
To keep you from my door.


Own brand food … Kids are not impressed.


I’ve recently been buying more and more tesco own brand food. I’ve been slipping bits in here and there. Even their value washing powder ( which I can confirm washes just fine) on this weeks big shop I ordered the majority of things from tesco own brand.
I’m doing it for a couple of reasons , I don’t have much money atall so it makes sense to get more for less money. Especially as the kids are all growing with appetites increasing at alarming rates.
Also I think my kids are quite spoilt , because I have virtually no social life I don’t go out drinking and partying and I don’t drink at home , And also save money by buying clothes in primark and asda I probably spend the majority of our money on food.
But they need to really learn and understand about the value of money.
I’m going to take them shopping to buy food to donate and them take them to a local food bank so they can see how ungrateful they are moaning about own brand good. I don’t even buy the value brand. Apart from cleaning stuff.
Tescos own brand products are just fine. I’m very fussy about lurpak I usually will use morning else but thier butterpak is just a good. The bagels could be a bit more bagelly but over all it’s all perfectly good. Milo even seems to approve of the value cat litter.

I’m afraid the kids are going to have to get used to it. Because I’m shopping much more sensibly from now on.

Back to school …. Or not !


It’s been two months since I took Ollie out of school. I love having him home , he’s happy , relaxed , and the meltdowns are few and far between.
We are getting in the swing of home schooling. I’ve got him motivated which wasn’t easy , it’s all good.
The one thing I’m finding hard is getting him out of the house.

However …. As I’ve mentioned before the Family Recovery Team are working with us at the moment , right now I have more support than I’ve ever had and probably ever will have ,
This has been a positive thing although I’ve been a bit annoyed that they seem to want to push Ollie back into a school. Our education welfare officer visited a couple of weeks ago and on Friday with our FRP worker.
They can’t seem to understand that I like having Ollie at home , that after all the trauma he went through last year I want him home.
I was going to put my foot down until we talked with Ollie , he has decided that he is willing to give school a try IF
• he can go to the school on our road , it’s a two minute walk at most .( this is a deal breaker for him , it’s this school or nothing )
•they understand him .
•they don’t want to fix him.

Now I’m not sure if he says he’s willing to try because he thought he should say that or if he really wants to , I know he likes being at home , but we’ve filled in the application form ( we know the school has spaces) and handed it in.

The school IS a good school and our Frp worker works in there a number of times a week. If he gets in we will do a gradual entry with Frp working with the school , Ollie and I .
I can be at the school in a flash if I’m needed , it all sounds good. But if honest it sounds too good to be true.
I’m not sure Ollie is ready.
If I was going with my heart I wouldn’t do this , but I want Ollie to know that he’s thoughts and decisions are important and will be listened to.

So we will await news , our EWO is going to pull strings to get the application through quicker. We should know before 10 tens days.
I shall explain every step of this to Ollie as it happens so that he fully understands and if at ANY POINT , ANY POINT at all he changes his mind , I will stop everything.
I will give this my all to help ollie if it’s what he wants but I will not see him traumatised again. Not ever. I will be keeping a close eye on behavioural changes.

So for now it’s a waiting game the school is on my doorstep ( it almost actually is on my doorstep ) and it has yr 4 spaces. So If anything gets us a no ! As an answer it will be that we went with the full disclosure of what they are taking on.

I’m carrying on teaching Ollie because
•we enjoy it
•if he goes back I don’t want him too far behind ( he’s learnt nothing in school since last Christmas)
• if it doesn’t work out we will carry on with learning at home.
I’m not sure what answer I’m hoping for.
I just want to do the best thing for Ollie while letting him feel what he wants is valued.
Mostly I want to wrap him in my arms and never let anything hurt him.

Another good day !


I’m trying to look for the positive things in every day.
And today had quite a few.
This morning daughter number 2 , told me she likes a boy at school. EEEEEKKKK!!! She’s 14 so I’m terrified but I’m so pleased she came and told me. I’ve asked older daughter to provide me with info on this boy. I need to know everything.
The 18 year old went out of the house with his support worker. And went for quite a long walk.
Ollie is finally getting easier to motivate.
He did science , maths and literacy work and then he read a chapter of a book to me in bed.
Ollie also asked to go to bed at 9:00 pm , a whole hour earlier than he will usually go.
Yesterday he had told me that 9 is too big a change for him as ” I have autism you know !!”
Cheeky !

A good day.


After quite a few really quite rubbish days a good one finally came along.
It started with my doctors appointment.
My doctor is lovely.
When I walked in to her room she said that she could really see a change in me from two weeks ago , she assured me that the emptiness I’ve been feeling is nothing to be worried about. That I’m still getting used to the higher dose of my meds.
And she chatted to me about everything. Just a good long chat about the things that have been troubling me.
She said she would like to see me every two weeks until Whenever I feel like I don’t need to see her so often , just so I know she is there for me to offload to.
Then because my appointment had been at the just the time the kids were getting in from school I decided that rather than faffing around cooking …..(I had an über busy day doing lots of productive cleaning an tidying , mostly the 18 year olds room , for which I’m sure I deserve a medal at the least ) …
We should go to McDonald’s for dinner.
I’ve been trying to get Ollie out of the house all week , so far even McDonald’s had failed to do the trick , but not only did Ollie get dressed and agree to go out … The 18 year old ( also with ASD ) asked if he could come too.
This never happens. His ASD , OCD and social phobia just make it too difficult for him.
So I couldn’t believe my luck they were both going to be getting out of the house for a bit.
It wasn’t a problem free trip , the OCD , anxiety and the stress of busy buses and town being busy all kicked in a bit but we managed to get to McDonald’s and have a meal together. And none of us fell out with with eachother. Believe me when I say this was all a huge achievement. 😃
As well as this my 17 year old had his third exam at college ( he’s doing a plumbing diploma ) he got his third distinction and is at the top of his class , he’s also the youngest !
After a bit of a crap year 11 when his greatest achievement was the lowest attendance ever on record he has really turned it all around. He has full attendance at college !
I must also mention that yesterday my 15 year old came home with brilliant mock exam results. Including A’s in maths and history and an A* in physics.

Even in difficult times there ARE things to be happy about.

All the Small Things - MummyNeverSleeps



Two weeks ago I went to see my gp because I was a mess
I wasn’t sleeping atall , maybe two hours a night for a good few weeks.
I was anxious and I felt unbearably sad.
Not sad over anything in particular. Just sad deep in my soul. About everything.
My gp increased my citalopram from 20 to 40 mg. and gave me diazepam for the panics and to help me sleep. Since them I’ve made a conscious effort to help myself feel better.
Taking my tablets regularly.
Sleeping much better ( but not great)
Eating much better. No junk has passed my lips. I’m eating healthy dinners.
I’m eating 3 meals a day.
I would often only have one.
And drinking fresh juices. ( the good ones – innocent )
And I must say I’m not feeling nearly as anxious. And the feel of unbearable sadness has gone.
But the problem is I’m not feeling much atall. I’m tired ( though I’m sleeping more) I feel empty.
I haven’t even got any anger , I don’t mean raging anger , I just can’t even be bothered to nag.,when the kids just don’t do anything I ask. I’ve got no oomph. I’m just empty going through the motions.
Is this normal. Do the meds need more time.
Is the real me just …. Empty.

I haven’t even been on twitter because I’ve needed head space and time with the kids. And now I’m tweeting again I feel a bit invisible. I want to be able to say yoohoo I’m still here. I’m just struggling a bit.

I haven’t blogged because I feel I’ve totally lost my way with my blog. I’m sure what it is. Or what it should be.So i guess I feel a bit empty about the blog too.

I miss it though. Blogging.

I don’t even
Know what I’m trying to say here.
Maybe just that I’m still here , still wanting to tweet …. Still wishing I could get the blog going again but I’m struggling.

Waiting for the emptiness to pass.

Pyjama walk for autism : can you help


As you will know by now , autism is very close to my heart. I have two boys with ASD and I know what an endless fight it is to get some help.
The national autistic society do great work however.
Last year my friend Sue ( who also has an autistic child) and I got together and organised a walk for autism in our pyjamas.
We raised almost £300. Not bad for our first sponsored thing.
But this year we would like to beat that.
We would love for people , tweeters , bloggers to get involved by tweeting /blogging about it and I would especially love it if we could get some to join it.
It’s quite easy. I will add anyone that wants to join in to our virgin money giving page.
We will be walking on the 17 th April me and sue will be doing 5 miles , you can join in wherever you live simply by wearing your pjs and walking at the same time as us. We can tweet , Instagram , blog our walks. Obviously some people with small kids may like to join in so possibly 2 miles with small kids ? Is this reasonable. If you have physical difficulties you could walk a mile in your pjs.
The NAS provide tshirts and balloons that are very easy to get , I will let you know how but sue did that last year.
If we all pick a nice route and ( fingers crossed) the weather is kind ) it could be a really nice day.
Last year sue and I stopped for a tea at the windmill on Wimbledon common half way through.
And it’s all in a good cause.
Once again I will be eternally grateful if you would like to join in in any way.

Forty things to do before I’m forty.


I have blogged about this once before but I’m blogging about it with a fresh mind …. I’m going to be forty at the end of the year I have hadn’t much fun or done many things I want to do up until now. I’ve been busy raising kids ( which
I love) but it’s time for me to do something for me.
I want to do forty things before I’m

I’ve already been told by my support worker that this is the year I learn to say no.
So there’s 1 already.
So far I’ve come up with

•read forty books ( easy )
• go to the cinema alone
• go out for a meal alone
•spend one night in a hotel alone.
• finder some twitter pen pals ( any offers ?)
• meet tweeters
•Get better at cooking / baking
• get much better at blogging
• sleep under the stars
• stop wearing jeans every day
•I can’t run because of my PSA but I can walk so I want to a few miles every day.
• buy wellies and jump in puddles.

It’s not a long enough list yet.
But I’m not brave so I really can’t do anything requiring braveness.

What else can I add to my list.

Moments matter ( linky)


My new linky is up for the second week , anyone can join in , it’s called moments matter , if you’ve had a moment this week that you would like to share here is the place.
You can blog about any moment a small one , big one , happy , sad even just an ordinary moment that was lovely.
I haven’t actually written my post yet because I’m a bit stuck for what to write but I guess that’s part of the challenge , finding a moment that mattered even when it seems there were none. The linky is open till Monday night so there is plenty of time to join in.

Thanks for reading x