round and round it goes, where it stops nobody knows
This is how life feels right now , its just a continuous series of events that Happen to me and spiral out of control .leaving me feeling overwhelmed, lost and a little blue .
I have no clue if / when Ollie will get a school place, if he will cope with a school place, or if I even want him to have a school place
I have no idea if J will ever get the support I’ve fought for for 9 years , for both of them the future is an unknown.
My health is just a big pile of pants .
I struggle to afford to feed these
gannets children of mine who wont stop growing and also don’t stop eating .
I cant remember the last time I went out without one or more offspring in tow.
Im starting to feel like I’m just mum like that’s all there is to me .
I know I need help to get the right support for the boys, but the help I’ve got right now isn’t help atall , I struggle to reach out and find that help , I don’t even know how or where to reach out to .
I stood in town on friday night waiting to collect the girls after they had been on a church trip they were late so I stood on the high st for nearly 30 minutes watching people out for the evening, no kids, going out for a drink or food , chatting and laughing and I was jealous .
My children are the single most important thing in my life, I live and breathe for them, would give my life for them but sometimes, just sometimes I want to be just me before I don’t even know who me is anymore .
This week I had a couple of really lovely moments , where I genuinely felt happy and relaxed , my lunch date and long walk with Ollie,and a lovely dog walk in the evening with 12yo, and although they were both warm happy moments they made me sad to realise how little I feel I can be happy and free .
My anxiety just wont leave me alone .
We had mice (4) nine months ago which completely terrified me , there hasnt been a single one since , not a sign and we have a cat now, but still I’m afraid to go in the kitchen alone after dark or first thing in the morning , I actually have to get one of the kids out of bed to come with me its ridiculous .
I have endless meetings with the support workers who are supposedly helping me , I sit there bubbling over with frustration because there are things I want to say , issues I want to address
i want to tell them to fuck off but I don’t know how because they don’t listen so still the meetings keep happening to me
Im 39 , alone with 7 kids , two “disabled” I have to make every decision myself ! Have full responsibility and you know what its fucking hard.
My kids are growing up fast , I want to enjoy them , enjoy life
before im too old and crumbly but this never ending catalogue of events beyond my control keeps happening .
I need to push through these things that are getting in the way of life
if you cant get around it you need to go through it
But thats scary , I don’t know where or how to start .
On monday Im going to be brave and tell my support worker that i feel they should be finding support for my boys (a school place for Ollie) before pushing me ( a carer to both my boys) to job club and causing me more stress and pressure , but the very idea of speaking up makes me do a little sick in my mouth .
What do I do?
How do I get some control back?
how do I do brave when I don’t feel brave?
When is it my turn to be happy ?