Spiralling …..

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round and round it goes, where it stops nobody knows

This is how life feels right now , its just a continuous series of events that Happen to me and spiral out of control .leaving me feeling overwhelmed, lost and a little blue .

I have no clue if / when Ollie will get a school place, if he will cope with a school place, or if I even want him to have a school place
I have no idea if J will ever get the support I’ve fought for for 9 years , for both of them the future is an unknown.
My health is just a big pile of pants .
I struggle to afford to feed these gannets children of mine who wont stop growing and also don’t stop eating .
I cant remember the last time I went out without one or more offspring in tow.
Im starting to feel like I’m just mum like that’s all there is to me .

I know I need help to get the right support for the boys, but the help I’ve got right now isn’t help atall , I struggle to reach out and find that help , I don’t even know how or where to reach out to .

I stood in town on friday night waiting to collect the girls after they had been on a church trip they were late so I stood on the high st for nearly 30 minutes watching people out for the evening, no kids, going out for a drink or food , chatting and laughing and I was jealous .

My children are the single most important thing in my life, I live and breathe for them, would give my life for them but sometimes, just sometimes I want to be just me before I don’t even know who me is anymore .

This week I had a couple of really lovely moments , where I genuinely felt happy and relaxed , my lunch date and long walk with Ollie,and a lovely dog walk in the evening with 12yo, and although they were both warm happy moments they made me sad to realise how little I feel I can be happy and free .

My anxiety just wont leave me alone .
We had mice (4) nine months ago which completely terrified me , there hasnt been a single one since , not a sign and we have a cat now, but still I’m afraid to go in the kitchen alone after dark or first thing in the morning , I actually have to get one of the kids out of bed to come with me its ridiculous .

I have endless meetings with the support workers who are supposedly helping me , I sit there bubbling over with frustration because there are things I want to say , issues I want to address i want to tell them to fuck off but I don’t know how because they don’t listen so still the meetings keep happening to me

Im 39 , alone with 7 kids , two “disabled” I have to make every decision myself ! Have full responsibility and you know what its fucking hard.

My kids are growing up fast , I want to enjoy them , enjoy life before im too old and crumbly but this never ending catalogue of events beyond my control keeps happening .

I need to push through these things that are getting in the way of life

if you cant get around it you need to go through it

But thats scary , I don’t know where or how to start .

On monday Im going to be brave and tell my support worker that i feel they should be finding support for my boys (a school place for Ollie) before pushing me ( a carer to both my boys) to job club and causing me more stress and pressure , but the very idea of speaking up makes me do a little sick in my mouth .

What do I do?
How do I get some control back?
how do I do brave when I don’t feel brave?
When is it my turn to be happy ?

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One response »

  1. I struggle with two, and would not manage well with 7 kids – I think you deserve a medal! You sound like you are doing fantastically and giving your kids everything they need.
    I wonder if you have always been spciptical about the support workers? When they are there, talk to them honestly about your worries, needs and fears – they might surprise you and do something about it?
    And – try to take a bit of time for you where you can. Even if just for half an hour in the house to do something that you really want to do. You deserve your own time too.
    And it’s not related, but your blog is one of my favourites to read – you are so honest and ‘real’ and I feel like I can relate to you. Xxx

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