Category Archives: life and stuff !

Spiralling …..

Standard

round and round it goes, where it stops nobody knows

This is how life feels right now , its just a continuous series of events that Happen to me and spiral out of control .leaving me feeling overwhelmed, lost and a little blue .

I have no clue if / when Ollie will get a school place, if he will cope with a school place, or if I even want him to have a school place
I have no idea if J will ever get the support I’ve fought for for 9 years , for both of them the future is an unknown.
My health is just a big pile of pants .
I struggle to afford to feed these gannets children of mine who wont stop growing and also don’t stop eating .
I cant remember the last time I went out without one or more offspring in tow.
Im starting to feel like I’m just mum like that’s all there is to me .

I know I need help to get the right support for the boys, but the help I’ve got right now isn’t help atall , I struggle to reach out and find that help , I don’t even know how or where to reach out to .

I stood in town on friday night waiting to collect the girls after they had been on a church trip they were late so I stood on the high st for nearly 30 minutes watching people out for the evening, no kids, going out for a drink or food , chatting and laughing and I was jealous .

My children are the single most important thing in my life, I live and breathe for them, would give my life for them but sometimes, just sometimes I want to be just me before I don’t even know who me is anymore .

This week I had a couple of really lovely moments , where I genuinely felt happy and relaxed , my lunch date and long walk with Ollie,and a lovely dog walk in the evening with 12yo, and although they were both warm happy moments they made me sad to realise how little I feel I can be happy and free .

My anxiety just wont leave me alone .
We had mice (4) nine months ago which completely terrified me , there hasnt been a single one since , not a sign and we have a cat now, but still I’m afraid to go in the kitchen alone after dark or first thing in the morning , I actually have to get one of the kids out of bed to come with me its ridiculous .

I have endless meetings with the support workers who are supposedly helping me , I sit there bubbling over with frustration because there are things I want to say , issues I want to address i want to tell them to fuck off but I don’t know how because they don’t listen so still the meetings keep happening to me

Im 39 , alone with 7 kids , two “disabled” I have to make every decision myself ! Have full responsibility and you know what its fucking hard.

My kids are growing up fast , I want to enjoy them , enjoy life before im too old and crumbly but this never ending catalogue of events beyond my control keeps happening .

I need to push through these things that are getting in the way of life

if you cant get around it you need to go through it

But thats scary , I don’t know where or how to start .

On monday Im going to be brave and tell my support worker that i feel they should be finding support for my boys (a school place for Ollie) before pushing me ( a carer to both my boys) to job club and causing me more stress and pressure , but the very idea of speaking up makes me do a little sick in my mouth .

What do I do?
How do I get some control back?
how do I do brave when I don’t feel brave?
When is it my turn to be happy ?

Forty is coming at me ….fast

Standard

I turn 40 this year , on christmas day infact so right away this a stumbling point, obviously I want christmas day to be all about me i want to share the day with my family …it is christmas after all . What will happen is i will run about like a headless chicken making christmas day go well and then just before bedtime I will get time for some cheese and a glass of cider , I’ve toyed with the idea of an early birthday but its hard to organise because nobody wanted to come, not even twitter folk * insert crying sound here* folk are too busy or too far , so at the very least I need to make my last few months of 39 count and I’d quite like my 40th year to be a bit special as they say forty is old life begins at 40 , I missed out on fun when I was young because by 16 I worked full time by 18 I was working, married and heavily pregnant , not that I have any regrets , I love this slightly dysfunctional lovely brood I’ve raised but I want to have some fun, do something different, make 40 my year.
The problem is I have no idea what this fun I speak of is ,
~ fun ….but not outrageous….or expensive…or brave , I wont be bungee jumping or canoeing I’m not that stupid brave .~ a challenge? But I wont be climbing ben nevis , ~learn something ? But what

So whats left , for my sounding lamer by the minute life begins at forty list, anything ?
Please please hit me with ideas . My birthday is for life not just for christmas

Show us your blog :linky

Standard

Hello,
Show us your blog is my linky which I’ve been trying to get off the ground for a while now , I’ve decided not to give up on it because (if i may say so myself) I think its a good idea .
So, I’ve moved it to saturday as it wasn’t doing too well midweek, and its now open from the saturday through to tuesday . Plenty of time to link up .
The rules are the same , there are no rules . If you have a blog, new or established, big or small, beauty, baby, family or anything else you are welcome to join in. The idea of the linky is simply what it says in the title “show us your blog” its a good way to find new readers or to find new blogs to read .
You can either link up your whole blog or if there is a particular post you’d like to show off feel free to do so .
The only thing I ask is that if you link up you have a look at and maybe comment on one or two others that have also linked up .
So thats all you need to know, I will of course give you a shout out when you link up.

The linky is here

its easy to do, even I can do it , I look forward to reading and sharing your blogs .

Thanks for reading, G xx

I dont do blood …..

Standard

I dont do blood ,i really dont .
I cant even cope with blood tests which i have so many of .
I sliced my thumb today while chopping peppers I cried I
panicked because of the blood , the kids tell me its no more than a paper cut but in my head I’m bleeding out and I’m convinced i was moments away from slicing my thumb off , no sympathy as they think I’m overreacting , ok usually i am , but not this time .
The whole blood phobia is actually a big problem for me as when my children are hurt i run from them screaming calling my eldest (dan) who is fazed by nothing and my first aider daughter leanne ,
Let me give an example or two son was run over aged 11, he ran home from the scene and collapsed by our door , i phoned my sister ( on my street ) and waited upstairs to paramedics had had a look ,I did go in the ambulance though .
When other son,Ben was almost one I was hoovering with the hose whilst he stuck his hand in the beater bar , of course he didn’t scream till I stopped the hoover ,I pulled his hand out , saw the whole skin had come off of the middle of the back of his hand ,I saw his bones , ran to neighbours screaming !
Ollie sliced his foot on broken china , pouring with blood , I Picked up ollie and ran to neighbours house ,passed out on her floor ( me not ollie)
Its not just blood , its broken bones , when Emma broke her foot at playcentre i couldn’t bring myself to look , and Ben ,still accident prone , broke an ankle skateboarding , when that cast came off he immediately broke the other ankle cycling , that cast came of and ….guess what ….he broke his other ankle at football training, each time I couldn’t look at the broken limbs . Calling either my sister or a neighbour , my now 16 yo had a fit of some kind in her brothers room , a couple of years ago cutting her head open in the process of falling off the chair , my neighbours came and sat with her till the ambulance came ,while I hyperventilated in my room

How the heck do I get over this absolute panic and fear over a bit of blood or broken bones ,the kids are used to it ,they know i will be there as soon as the bloods bandaged or the break is out of my sight , but I feel stupid because a mothers instinct is to run to her hurt child ,mine is to run away , one day something could happen where they actually need me to step up and be brave ,I’m not sure i can . I want to be there and soothe them and comfort them but how can I?

Look whos back , back in town , well…back on the blog

Standard

I havent been blogging because ….reasons….meh!
But ive missed it ,blogging is my voice, my own little place that I’m the boss of ,so I’m back and itching to get blogging.
I have lots of blog posts i want to get out this week ….
I want to dust off ” my positive week ” because I had great feedback from that !
I want to persevere with my ” show us your blog linky” seriously how hard is it to get a linky on its way to being a success ?
Ive got some great interviews for my ” behind the blog” series ,and as well as word of the week and my sunday photo , id like to find another linky that I fit into .I also need to get blogging about my pyjama walk for autism , because how hard is it to get sponsors ? Who knew ?
I have also been meaning to review fruit broo tea ( because I love it)
So lots to be cracking on with , i hope you will enjoy my blog this week and if you know of any linkys i might fit in to please let me know xx i also desperately need to catch up on and comment on all the lovely blogs i read 😃

As always thank you for reading xxx

*hangs “gone fishing ” sign on blog

Standard

* sigh* just as the blog has being doing super well I’m just not finding myself able to blog ,theres to much in my head , my heart and mind are both heavy . I need to get past the tests and examinations and blood results before i can allow my headspace time for anything else .I also dont want to bore anyone
Id like to ask you a favour though , please please keep sharing this post for me
http://wp.me/p3e49B-1Un it will mean so much to me to smash our target , and tomorrow i will pop the ” show us your blog ” linky up , please link your lovely blogs up ,its been really hard to get that linky going and id be gutted if it crashed and burned before it took off . I have loads of posts lined up to do but I’m just not feeling it right now
While I’m not blogging i will be catching up on reading other blogs , better than a book when i cant focus ,

See you on the other side 💜

Pyjama walk for autism

Standard

Hello fellow bloggers and tweeters, as you may know its autism awareness month , you may also know that I have two boys both with autism along with other co morbid conditions .
My friend Sue also has two boys with autism , last easter we did our first sponsored walk , in pyjamas , for the national autistic society ,raising almost £300 in total , this year we are doing it again on august 17th 5 miles in our pyjamas , i cant walk any further because as ive blogged previously I’m very poorly !
This is where I’m going to ask for your help, we’ve all seen what bloggers can do for charity please help us to beat our £300 that we raised last year !
You can help us by sharing this post , tweeting links to this post and our virgin money giving link , blogging about the walk , anything that may help
You can also help in a fun way by sparing a morning to walk with us , in your pyjamas , you don’t need to come to london , you can walk where you live , blog , tweet about it , instagram it ! I would add you to our money giving page of course , if you have a child in a buggy you could just walk a mile ( or two) in your pjs or if you have kids you could do whatever distance they can handle , it would be awesome if anyone would join in , it would mean a lot to myself and Sue , and we raise even more than £300 this time .

Our virgin money giving link is here http://uk.virginmoneygiving.com/team/TeamPyjama

Please help us do something wonderful for autism by raising money for the national autistic society , if you cant do the walk ( please do the walk) then please support team pyjama and the pyjama walk for autism on social media
#teampyjama
#pyjamawalkforautism

I know times are hard and we are all a little charitied out right now but this is for such a great cause , please help if you can

Thankyou for reading , G x

The one where i ‘don’t know what I’m doing ‘

Standard

“we need to pop to B and Q on sunday , just in and out to pick up a roll of wallpaper”
I thought I approached the matter well, I was very clear about what we would be doing and B and Q is just a little bus ride away so wouldn’t take long and Ollie probably wouldn’t mind ,I thought wrong ,of course !

His first argument was weak “er mum you know I don’t like going shopping ”
I countered this well ” Its not really shopping its just popping in to buy something Ive already chosen ”

He was just warming up “mum,is it a great big place , where there are lots of people and its full of all different stuff right up to the ceiling ? And do we need to go on a bus with people to get there ?”
“Well , yes it is ” I told him
“So you are going to make me go somewhere that is all the things I hate ?”
“Well , the thing is that when you have autism sometimes you have to do things you hate and find hard ,so its good to practice a bit to get used the feelings and try to cope with them”

By now he was firing on all cylinders ” the only reason I need to get used to busy shops is if you are planning to make me go and live in debenhams ”

Debenhams ? He’s never even been in debenhams !

“Look ” I said I’m just doing my best to help you get used to things ”
He huffed , puffed and then replied ” sometimes when a person has autism , the person with autisms mother doesn’t know what she’s doing ”

I *might* have muttered something about someone being a smart arse .

I think i will just pop to B and Q on my own .

My positive week :day 5

Standard

Im not sure if Ive got 3 things but one of them is a big one so maybe that can count for 2.

•Ive been well today (not vomitting) for the second day in a row ,Ive eaten a bit and kept two complan drinks down.

• my landlord sent his builder round. There are quite a few jobs that have needed doing for a while.The builder will be here Monday and Tuesday to fix my leaking toilet ,paint my bathroom, repaper my living room wall which got damaged when my bath leaked and fix my porch door which hasn’t shut properly for 7 years .Im also going to try my luck and ask for a new kitchen floor.

•um …its Friday tomorrow. Everyone loves Friday.

How was your day ? Has it been a positive one ?

via WordPress for Phone http://goo.gl/j6Fzhf