The one where I’m struggling.

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It’s not easy is it ?
To say you’re not ok.
To say you’re struggling.
It’s not easy to say that the anxiety is back.
The panic attacks.
Well , this is me saying I’m not ok.
I’m struggling.
Anxiety has a grip on me.
The panic attacks are back with a vengeance.
I’ve not slept for more than a couple of hours a night for about a month now.
The panic attacks creep up on me in the still of the night.
They frighten me.
I lay in bed and I can feel the room getting smaller and it’s hard to breathe. I have to get up , open the window , gasp for air.
Walk around the house.
Talk to the dog.
Then there’s the falling.
Laying in bed , feeling like , convinced that I’m falling , falling fast and I have to get out of bed and hold on to something.
I have to Remember that I’m safe , I’m in my room.
I have to tell myself that it’s just a feeling , that I won’t die there in my room , alone , out of the blue.
Because that’s what the anxiety makes me believe.

And then the panic that comes from nowhere , standing in the kitchen making a tea , telling me I can’t breathe. Telling me something terrible is going to happen to me , right there.
I went back to the doctor today.
I won’t lie , it was hard , so hard to go and tell my gp how I’m feeling.
I cried , I poured my heart out.
I told her I’m struggling.
She told me I should be proud that I made the appointment.
She’s doubled my citalopram and given me 3 weeks worth of diazepam , she’s also referring me for CBT.
I have to go back and see her in 2 weeks.
She understood. I felt relieved and supported.
I’m glad I made the appointment.
I know I can do this , I can beat this again , but it seems a little bit harder everytime.
I know from experience that talking about it helps.
So I’m talking about it. Here.
Anxiety isn’t something to be ashamed off.
It’s not something to hide.
So I won’t hide it.

If anyone has advice I’ll take it.
I don’t know how to cope with the panic attacks.
Right now I don’t know how to feel ok.

If you are suffering from anxiety , panic attacks , don’t hide it. Do to try to cope alone.
There is great strength in asking for help.

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4 responses »

  1. Making contact with someone and getting the help you need is the biggest step…I too have had to take that step and it was scary, big hugs to you…hope you feel better really soon x

  2. You should be very proud you made the appointment, you need to put yourself first. I really hope the medication is helping to take the edge off and to help you sleep. Speaking as someone in the middle of CBT it is a long slog but I can tell it is making a positive difference.

    All love to you xxx

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