Stages ….

Standard

Things just don’t feel right.
I feel a bit broken.
I’m such a mass of emotions
It’s true some aspects of life have become easier , the enormous stress of Ollie going to school has of course lifted.
I’m working with the family recovery project.
But there’s still a way to go.
The mental weight of fighting to get help for my 17 year old may soon be eased ( please let it be so)
But …. There’s still a way to go.

And it’s been a long way already.
9 long years.

I feel like I’m grieving …. Does that make any sense ?

I’m grieving for the suffering my boys have endured
And have yet to endure ,
I’m grieving for the years of my life that I’ve spent banging my head against walls , meeting dead ends.
Don’t get me wrong I’d do it all again in a heartbeat and I will continue doing it but I feel I’m grieving for how those years could have been for us.

Grieving for the happiness that has been stolen away from us , god, that’s sounds selfish.

Maybe I’m not writing this right. I don’t know?
I looked at the stages of grief to try and understand how I’m feeling , they made some kind of sense to me.

shock and denial
Not wanting there to be anything wrong my boys , looking for answers everywhere hoping I was wrong ,
The gut wrenching shock of realising I have two boys with considerable difficulties , difficulties that make life so much harder for them.

pain and guilt
The pain of seeing your child suffering.
Seeing them not fit in the world around them.
The feeling of helplessness hurts deep in your heart , your soul.
And the guilt the constant guilt.
Did I not do enough? Is this my fault? Did I cause this ?? Should I have seen it sooner? Am I fighting hard enough for them?Am I strong enough?

anger and bargaining
I have had raging anger , deep inside and bubbling over , anger that this is so unfair on my boys , anger at the system that fails children time after time.
And wishing , praying , hoping ,bargaining with whoever is or isn’t up there , I’d sell my soul to make life better for them.
Begging that help will come. Support.
Bargaining perhaps not in the context it’s meant but bargaining with everyone who is supposed to help , please try this , try that , let me help , please just listen to me.

depression , reflection loneliness.
The anger is still with me , but this is the stage where I feel I am now. The full force of the past 9 years has hit me. I reflect on how soul destroyingly hard it’s all been.
And the emotions that I’ve tried to keep bottled up wash over in sweeping waves.
I feel so extremely low. I should be happy now. I hear people say it , and think it , ” you’ve taken big a step taking ollie out of school , you should be relieved” and yes I am relieved to see him more relaxed than he’s been for a long time. But this step I’ve taken is scary. I made the decision alone and I’m not sure what direction we are going yet. I feel alone , so alone. RL friends have dropped out of my life , professionals don’t understand.
so very alone.

The next three stages give me hope

the upward turn

Reconstruction and working through

Acceptance and hope

But right now I feel I’m stuck in the stage of depression , reflection and loneliness.

When will I move past this
To the better stages?
I’m not sure any of this has made sense?Nobody died.
But I’m grieving …. For the lives my boys aren’t able to live.

I’m grieving for the 9 years I’ve lost to a system that should be helping our children but isn’t.

When does it get easier ?
when does it get easier
when does it get easier ?
When can I move on to a more positive stage? Ever ?
The longer I remain stuck at this stage ….the less I like it.

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2 responses »

  1. Oh love. I think these feelings are completely natural and right – in fact look at it the other way round – how could you not have them?
    I do believe it will get better for you, hopefully very soon.
    We all feel like this to some extent, that we have made a mess of our lives and we can’t get them time back. In the end, the bad stuff helps get us where we’re meant to be. What’s important is the future.

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