So tomorrow is back to school.
I’m dreading it.
Why can’t it be half term forever ?
With the start of the new term I’m once again torturing myself with the question that I’ve been trying to answer for months now.
Should I just pull O out of school and keep him home with me.
Teach him myself.
Where he is happy and relaxed and most importantly feels safe.
I can’t stand the idea of putting him through the ordeal of school any longer.
I don’t feel comfortable with seeing my 8 year old so scared and distressed
Really I know what I want to do , what I think is best but I haven’t had the guts to commit to it.
I feel like its time I either man up and commit or just stop torturing myself.
O is so happy at home.
He is himself
I’m not saying there are no problems at home , O has autism , that doesn’t go away but at home he is almost completely un stressed.
He is able to play
Isn’t that how all children should be ?
At school he is stressed , very stressed , he’s unhappy he doesn’t feel safe , he’s not learning , he isn’t having a fulfilling life !
It all sounds so easy when I’m writing it down.
It’s obvious !
But I’m scared that it might not be the right decision , how do I know how can I be sure.
What if I can’t teach him well enough.
What if I hold him back.
What if he doesn’t have enough social interaction ??
What if the ” professionals ” don’t agree with my decision ?
How will I actually know what to teach him ?
What will I do on the days when my IBS or my PSA flare and I’m not in great shape ?
How will I know exactly
What he should be learning and when ?
How will I measure how well he is doing ?
What will I do when he becomes secondary school age ?
My heart tells me to just do it , trust my feelings , know that I know what’s best for my little boy , learn as we go , take the plunge !
But my head tells me there is so much to think about.
What if ?
What if ?
What if ?
My 20 year old lives and breathes science and maths ,I have no doubt at all that he knows more science and maths than any of O’s teachers.
He’s at uni doing physics , he’s told me that if I decide to keep O at home he will help me to plan what O needs to learn and how to teach him and he will help me with planning what maths to teach O and how.
I’m terrible at maths but I think that with the help of my eldest I could probably do this !
I’m sure I can do this
My heart wants me to do this
But I’m scared to make the decision.