I feel I’ve lost my voice a little

Nothing I want to tweet
And nothing I really want to blog.

I know I’m stronger than this
I know I can fight
I can and have
I’ve pushed and pushed
But ,
I’m tired. I’ve hit a wall.

After so many years of fighting for answers , getting answers , hoping things would get better …. And then finding it all stayed the same I’m tired.

It’s hard , it’s tiring , it’s relentless and frustrating.
I feel guilty for feeling that way.
I’m not tired of O or J.
I love them just fine as they are.
I’m tired of the world around them.
That makes it all so hard.

My anxiety has exhausted me.
I hate it.
I don’t have time for anxiety.
I can’t fight if I’m overwhelmed with anxiety.

But I’m scared
For my boys
For their futures.
And right now I’m finding it hard to see past that.
The fear grips me.
Every bad day is a day I’ve failed them.

I know somewhere inside that that’s not true
That I’m trying my best
But until I can let myself believe that
I’m just here standing on the edge
Putting one foot in front of the other
Going one step at a time.


2 responses »

  1. Sometimes you have to step back from the fight and gather your strength. It’s a fact – the war is only won if the generals know they can muster the troops. Sorry for the war analogy but I’ve been reading war books.

    Still true though. *blows you a big fat kiss*

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