My old friend is back .
It’s been a while.
I haven’t missed it .
But I can feel its coming back.
Taking a hold again.
Pulling me down.
Waking up in the night feeling like I can’t breathe , anger, panic, fear bubbling under the surface.
Dreading Every morning , starting the will they won’t they go to school / college again.
Last week I didn’t win.
Every time I don’t win it feels like a big knock.
A failure on my part.
Panic. Over small things.
The mice are affecting me far more than they probably should.
Panic everytime I need to go in the kitchen.
Is it my fault.
Is my house disgusting ?
I’m trying. But maybe not enough.
The panic at home time is back.
My heart thumping in my tight chest
Has O coped?
Is he ok at school
Should he be at home with me instead Of school.
Am I getting it all wrong ?
I try to put a smile on.
But O knows I’m worried.
I’m not faking it well enough.
Am I good enough at any of this.
Am I doing any of it right.
I know my gp will tell me to go back on the medication
I don’t want more medication I take enough already.
I hope the anxiety doesn’t stick around long this time , until it goes I will be feeling lost and alone and in too deep again.
Not a feeling I like.