The one where we talk about teenagers


Teenagers …
I’m afraid to have to break it to you that if you have a cute bouncing baby or a funny little toddler one day you will have a teenager !!

I don’t want to go all Katie Hopkins and tar a group of people with the same brush but teenagers are horrid.
Now, I have my own teenagers I have a 17 16 15 and 14 year olds. I also have one who has emerged into adulthood at 20. I love them all , entirely , but they are horrid.
It’s almost as if when they reach teenage years their brains , minds, and emotions take a U turn onto a whole different plane.
They become different people.
They become teenage creatures.

That lovely little child you had , that learnt so well how to say please and THANKYOU , and would say it on demand so you could show off their skills to anyone who may or may not be interested …. Well , they will forget how.
Their manners will leave them as they enter the parallel plane of teenage hood.

Despite everything they have learnt up to this point they will now have an unshakeable belief that money grows on trees. They cannot understand why you can’t just pluck a handful of money every time they need new vans, phone top ups , Xbox games etc etc etc

A teenager is unable to locate a laundry basket. Even with instructions they just cannot do it.
Therefore teenagers simply have to leave ALL their dirty laundry in a screwed up heap on the floor.
Sometimes even next to the washing basket. ( so near yet so far)

Teenagers lose the ability to see food clearly. They can open the fridge , fully stocked that day and announce that there is ” nothing to eat ” sometimes they will open the fridge door 20 times to see if the food will magically appear.

Although a teenager is very capable of carrying loaded plates of food and cups full of drink up to their room , they are simply not able to carry them back down.
Their eyes must also be affected because if you enquire after your missing cups plates , spoons , they will tell you they don’t think they are in their room.

Whilst on the parallel plane of teenage hood they suffer hearing loss. They cannot hear the front door knocking. So do be prepared to stop everything you are doing to answer the door while your teenagers sit doing nothing more than staring gormlessly into space.

A teenager will revert back to the terrible twos in any situation where a) they may be wrong or b) they don’t get their way
They will stamp their feet , slam doors and throw things. Teenagers are particularly skilled at storming off.
A teenager will make sure you are aware that they are annoyed , the huffing and puffing and stropping around
When you ask what is wrong you will first be met with ” as if you care anyway ” don’t reply …. Because halfway through your reply they will tell you anyway.
And you can bet your life on it that it’s you who has upset them.
They will delight in a rant about everything you have done wrong over their WHOLE lives
When you attempt to reply to these charges your teenager will respond one of two ways 1) as soon as you begin to speak your teenager will declare ” oh my god you always shout at me ” you may or may not be shouting. The volume of your voice is actually irrelevant , your teenager will interpret it as shouting . They will them storm off , in a particularly skilful manner , slamming doors on their way.
2) you may manage a few words before your teenagers declares that ” oh my god you don’t even understand what I’m saying , it’s not worth taking to you
” and storm off skilfully slamming doors on their way
You won’t win. It’s best accept that now.
As for the mess , the fact they they never notice when you call their mobiles ( although they are always looking at it) and their general moody dispositions , well I don’t want to scare you so we won’t go into all of that.

The good news is that you will ( hopefully) emerge on the other side of teenage hood with a lovely fully grown adult who will once again be safe to unleash on the world.
Until then buckle up and stock up on Crisps wine and chocolate !


7 responses »

  1. Ah I remember it all so vividly. My older two ‘kids’ are now 29 and 27, so I have only the memories left from that dark dismal period…… oh hang on… I’ve a 2 1/2 year old now. CRAP!!! 😉
    Great post.

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